So it's been a while since I posted anything on here and thought I'd give it a go again. This blogging thing is kind of a double-edged sword for me, I wanted to write real stuff and actually delve into my feelings in a way I don't usually allow. But my last post was a little rough on me. I put down my feelings and then ran away from the blog because this is where they were. For someone like me, who distances himself from overt displays of emotion, coming to a place that has them stored for re-reading and re-living is nigh on torturous.
I'm not sure how "normal" people blog, always finding something to write about in the inanity of day to day life. How could anybody ever want to read about every minute detail of somebodies life? Maybe the bigger question for me is...How can anybody feel free enough to be that intimate with any and everybody who might happen across their blog? I've never felt like I can ever tell anybody everything about myself I've always got to hold somethings back something that can always be mine. Even if they are little things. If you give everything of yourself away will you have anything left for yourself? If someone knew everything about me and didn't like me or God forbid flat-out rejected me...I'm not sure how I would handle that.
A while back I posted about a concern I was having about myself and while I haven't actually gotten a professional opinion about this, surprise surprise, I feel pretty sure about my self diagnosis. I'm thinking I have what's called Social Anxiety Disorder. I have a very hard time allowing myself to get close to people because I am constantly worried about what they are thinking about me or if what I say or do around them was the correct thing. Rest assured if we have ever had a conversation, especially a meaningful one, I spent a length of time (usually the rest of the night but sometimes going into days afterward) dissecting every thing I or you said or did to see if I somehow messed things up and sometimes creating issues if there is nothing obviously wrong. This happens with most everyone but especially my friends or family or people who's opinion I place a high value on. I also have to kind of withdraw sometimes. If I'm always around people, even people I care about, I get really overloaded. I get uneasy until I can get away and spend some time by myself. Plus it makes it hard to keep in touch with people. I always feel like I'm intruding on people or forcing my presence on them if I call, write or stop in on them. So most often I don't do it because I don't want the people who are willing to put up with me to get tired of me. Look...I know this is going to sound either like an excuse to justify my actions or as craziness. But I think people deserve to know a little bit about what I was talking about back then, I realize I freaked some people out just leaving that post hanging in the air. Some people were thinking it was something really major and while this is hard...it's mostly just hard for me. Since I've got kind of an idea about what it is it does make it a little easier. Knowing that it's a real thing and not me just being a jerk or something :)
I know this completely goes against the norm for me, I've never really told this to anyone before. But while I know this is going to be out there for people to stumble across I also know that the only people who will actively read it are people I love and respect and who have a right to know why I am how I am.
So maybe next time I'll talk about my day or going to the store or something intimate and exciting like that, but for now I guess your stuck with the disjointed ramblings of a lunatic :)
2 comments:
Disjointed ramblings of a lunatic...hmmm, that has a nice ring to it. I think you should rename your blog! Seriously. Might allow you a little more permission to say whatever comes to your mind, with no apologies or excuses. How liberating that would be!!
Anyway, I think you're brave for putting this out there. To be honest, I don't put anything too intimate on my blog (partly because I know my students read it occasionally, and I don't think it's any of their business!!), but also because like you, I'm pretty private. That's why I still have an old-fashioned journal for the deep stuff. So kudos to you for being willing to stick your neck out!
I have to repeat something I said back with that other post now. If you really do think something like this is going on, it would be worth talking to someone professional about it. Not that I think you're crazy or anything, but like you said, it helps knowing what's going on. And getting counsel can be quite relieving as well. If you were actively involved in a church, I'd suggest you at least talk to someone in leadership there. But in any case, talking to someone with some wisdom and/or training can often help us see things from a different angle.
As always, know that I love you, and am praying for you. And looking forward to seeing what else you can come up with for this blog! :)
PS: Here's a thought--why not devote posts from time to time to understanding the whole phenomenon of Social Anxiety? Use this as a space to think through and inform, at the same time!
There is something freeing about sharing your feelings even though someone else may happen upon your "ramblings". It's a mystery to me why some of us love life and people, but are afraid of what others will think or say about us. Most people assume we're introverted or shy, but truly we're just not able to express our true selves to everyone in every situation.
I am so truly blessed to have children willing to mentor each other and their friends by sharing their feelings. Even though it requires them to step out of their comfort zones! There are so many things I wish I could have said or done differently, but wasn't able to take those steps. Maybe we all need to step back and analyze what we can do to grow in those areas.
Please continue to share and allow some of us to know those feelings.
I always hoped that all of you would feel free to express yourselves in ways that I never felt able to. What you all have accomplished so far is such a wonderful blessing to me, and I thank God that he has gifted me in this way.
Love you very much!
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