Problems are only opportunities with thorns on them. ~Hugh Miller

So there I was after work on Friday, plans were set and all I wanted to do was get in the car and get the clothes I wanted to change into and get on the road. When I pulled on the passenger side door handle -a quick aside for those of you joining our program already in progress, earlier this year my driver side door handle busted off leaving me to enter my car by going through the passenger side to open the driver side from the inside and go around to get in. and...were back-I hear a metallic sound and then something falling and nothing. My door would not open. So there I was with a two door car built before you could enter through the trunk with all windows snugly sealed and places to be. Now I try to be a fairly level headed guy and so I set out to find a solution. My first effort was to get a glass cutter and cut a nice little hole in the window that I could fish through and open my door. That was stupid on multiple levels, 1) There still would have been a hole in my window and 2) that glass is way to thick for a pansy little glass cutter to get through. So while frustration built my mind found and clung to A SOLUTION!!! I calmly walked back into work and to the stock room grabbed up a baseball bat that we keep by the back door, for some reason I have yet to discern, and very coolly and calmly walked back out of the store. Then I went to town on that bad boy. Actually it didn't take all that much to put the end of that bat through my window, none of the electric ones the little ones on the back side panel. That glass shattered and went everywhere. I cut myself up a little in the process so I went back in the store and started shopping. I bought some gauze and bandages and triple antibiotic ointment a package of painters drop cloths and a roll of duct tape. I bandaged myself up got a pole with a hook on it, one of many we have around the store, and opened my driver side door from the inside, broke out the rest of the glass so no one else cut themselves on it and covered the window in plastic. So for the last 5 days I've had to park with my driver side window rolled down, and covered in a loose sheet of plastic to ward off the rain, so I can get into my car at all. So now I have to find and replace parts on both of my doors and replace a broken window. But even with all that except for getting a little frustrated I don't look at it as a negative experience. I knew this was going to happen eventually because the design of the door handles is not a structurally sound one, so it wasn't a total surprise. Also while it was a little trying it was kind of cool to break out a car window with a baseball bat, I mean how often do regular law abiding citizens get to do stuff like that? It's usually reserved to vandals, thugs or scorned women. I got a battle wound, which all guys know makes every story better. So all it cost me was a little frustration, a little blood and whatever it ends up costing in replacement parts (window and handles) and I got a fairly descent story out of it. Not a bad trade. :)

Trying again

So it's been a while since I posted anything on here and thought I'd give it a go again. This blogging thing is kind of a double-edged sword for me, I wanted to write real stuff and actually delve into my feelings in a way I don't usually allow. But my last post was a little rough on me. I put down my feelings and then ran away from the blog because this is where they were. For someone like me, who distances himself from overt displays of emotion, coming to a place that has them stored for re-reading and re-living is nigh on torturous.

I'm not sure how "normal" people blog, always finding something to write about in the inanity of day to day life. How could anybody ever want to read about every minute detail of somebodies life? Maybe the bigger question for me is...How can anybody feel free enough to be that intimate with any and everybody who might happen across their blog? I've never felt like I can ever tell anybody everything about myself I've always got to hold somethings back something that can always be mine. Even if they are little things. If you give everything of yourself away will you have anything left for yourself? If someone knew everything about me and didn't like me or God forbid flat-out rejected me...I'm not sure how I would handle that.

A while back I posted about a concern I was having about myself and while I haven't actually gotten a professional opinion about this, surprise surprise, I feel pretty sure about my self diagnosis. I'm thinking I have what's called Social Anxiety Disorder. I have a very hard time allowing myself to get close to people because I am constantly worried about what they are thinking about me or if what I say or do around them was the correct thing. Rest assured if we have ever had a conversation, especially a meaningful one, I spent a length of time (usually the rest of the night but sometimes going into days afterward) dissecting every thing I or you said or did to see if I somehow messed things up and sometimes creating issues if there is nothing obviously wrong. This happens with most everyone but especially my friends or family or people who's opinion I place a high value on. I also have to kind of withdraw sometimes. If I'm always around people, even people I care about, I get really overloaded. I get uneasy until I can get away and spend some time by myself. Plus it makes it hard to keep in touch with people. I always feel like I'm intruding on people or forcing my presence on them if I call, write or stop in on them. So most often I don't do it because I don't want the people who are willing to put up with me to get tired of me. Look...I know this is going to sound either like an excuse to justify my actions or as craziness. But I think people deserve to know a little bit about what I was talking about back then, I realize I freaked some people out just leaving that post hanging in the air. Some people were thinking it was something really major and while this is hard...it's mostly just hard for me. Since I've got kind of an idea about what it is it does make it a little easier. Knowing that it's a real thing and not me just being a jerk or something :)

I know this completely goes against the norm for me, I've never really told this to anyone before. But while I know this is going to be out there for people to stumble across I also know that the only people who will actively read it are people I love and respect and who have a right to know why I am how I am.

So maybe next time I'll talk about my day or going to the store or something intimate and exciting like that, but for now I guess your stuck with the disjointed ramblings of a lunatic :)

Sometimes life sucks

So I had this friend, right, he was one of the smart guys. He could reason things through like almost no one I've ever known. His biggest problem, as I saw it, was he was too smart for faith. Too smart to know it's OK not to know all the answers. Unable to believe that people need to believe in something. Faith, belief, reliance sometimes they are the only thing that keeps you going. This life can be a very hard and ugly place sometimes and if you have no one to turn to...where do you turn. I really liked this guy, man, he could talk about the heavy stuff and that, to me, is the easiest way to judge intelligence. I respected him for it because although I couldn't get him to see things my way he never shrunk from the conversation.

This guy, though, he was having a bad time of it (life). A lot of anxiety, feelings of hopelessness and despair. He was hurting and didn't know how to make the pain go away. For a long time he has been calling another friend of mine when he was at the lowest points and telling him that he wanted the pain to go away and was thinking of taking the only way out he could see. He would say what he wanted to do and then say the only thing really stopping him was that he was too weak to do it or maybe too scared. Well I guess when things don't get better and you see no other options it has a very sad way of working up your courage and resolve. See, today, he killed himself. He called my other friend last night just like so many other times. But the part that isn't like other times is at some point today he actually went through with taking his own life.

It is such a waste. If he could only have known how to believe in something...I think that is the key to making it through this life. Nobody is happy all the time, nobody has a smooth road, nobody can manage all by themselves. There has to be something bigger, someone to turn to when you can't make it on your own. Someone to show you the path when you are to blinded by your tears to see the way. Someone to pick you up out of whatever hole you have dug for yourself and let you know you have options. It's the people that can't (or don't) believe that see that as the only way to end there pain. I've had dark times in my life when I didn't know what was going to happen and I didn't want to be me anymore. Thank God, that I can rely on him. I don't even want to think about a reality in which I would be in this world without my Lord, my protector, my shield against the crap that our human minds come up with.

...sometimes the world sucks.


Please, Lord God, be with the friends and family of this poor unfortunate soul. Suicide is not a victimless crime father, this brings about so much more pain and despair please bolster spirits Lord, we need you more than ever. I'm sorry father that I wasn't able to guide him to you Lord, you could have made all the difference. Please help us all get through this terrible tragedy, and please Lord be with everyone tonight that can't see a way out. Send an emissary to them tonight Lord and soften there hearts they need you Father, please protect them. Amen

Law never made men a whit more just. ~Henry David Thoreau

So the way I see it is if police officers cannot see past their own biases and ignorance they need to be stripped of their badges. How is it possible that the chump that arrested Dr. Henry Louis Gates Jr., for the audacious crime of being successful AND black, can still walk around with a badge and gun when he obviously has no moral fiber or even a modicum of good judgment. For those that don't know this loser reported to a burglary in progress at Dr. Gates' house. Dr. Gates showed him 2 forms of ID and explained who he was and that it was his house that the university, in which he works as a professor(Harvard), manages the property. AFTER THAT, after he knows who it is and who's house it is, he proceeds to put Dr. Gates in handcuffs, take him to the station, fully process him, make him post bail and make him wait 5 days for the charges to be dropped. All because he's a black man who had the nerve to live in a neighborhood full of rich white people. Because he's made a great living using his mind and this hillbilly cop thinks he needs to knock him down a few rungs. It is obvious he knew what he was doing was wrong because he refused to give Dr. Gates his name or badge number.

There can be no justice when unjust men are enforcing our laws. I have great respect, in general, for the law enforcement officers of our country but they can not be given free reign to enforce there own biases, their job is to know and enforce the laws of our country. This is supposed to be a country where anyone can make a better life for themselves. It is the American way to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and improve your situation. A country that is supposed to be the place where you can be free as long as you live within our laws. It is not supposed to be only available to one race, religion, gender, political ideology or only to those with enough in the bank to keep the wolves at bay. This is the place in the world that is supposed to stand for hope, the place people aspire to come and grow as good people. Who knew that it's only the good things for white people who are already here, and for everyone else it's still the place were the police can come into your house in the middle of the day and haul you to jail just because they don't like what or who you are. It is a very rare thing that I am ashamed to be American, I do get guilty from time to time because of the embarrassment of luxuries we take for granted and the things we waste that people in other countries are dying because they don't have enough of. Today I am truly ashamed that this can happen in the country I love.


http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2009/07/20/2009-07-20_esteemed_harvard_professor_henry_louis_gates_jr_arrested_while_getting_into_his_.html?page=0


http://www.theroot.com/views/skip-gates-speaks

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

Martin Luther King

Timing, it can't always be bad...right?

It's interesting that for quite a while I've been kind of in neutral, idling as it were, and while I was, pretty much everything else (exterior forces acting on my life; God, fate, bosses, possibly a muse) seemed to be doing the same thing, namely...nothing. Now here is the ironic part. I fancy that I'm starting to come out of my malaise and these forces seem to be trying to make up for lost time. All sort of fighting against each other, presumably figuring to make sure they get there chance first in case I give in again before they get there turn. My issue isn't that these things are happening but in the fact that they are contradictory things most of them trying keep me from the path that I have deemed appropriate for my future. You see, I've recently started making decisions that impact the way my life will go from the point that I am able to enact them (sorry I'm not going into details here but I like to play close to the vest, you'll find out in due time). The things that are going on at any other point would have been a blessing and I would have welcomed them, but now they seem a trap that only look to drag me down. I'll give you the latest example (the one that actually prompted this post). I have worked my current job for a long time and while I have made some advances in seniority and rank, it has never been a fiscally beneficial time for me. I have decided that while I like my job and would not have met any of my best friends without it, I do not want to work retail for the rest of my life. Shocker. I know it's a job that's supposed to be a means to an end and not a career. But now that I've come to this realization a very interesting thing has happened. I was talking to the owners of the store and it was intimated to me that they had me pegged for a pretty significant promotion and raise (although not hard dates or plans were made). The thing is, I know me. I've got this very strong sense of honor, if I was to take that promotion that's it for me. That's my job for ever. So it seems that has put an expiration date on my current job. When the time comes I can do 1 of 2 things. 1) I can take it, bank some money, buy a house, settle down in Cheney and work that job...forever. or 2) I quit and start my plans at that point whether I'm ready or not. I don't see a 3 I can't see myself working there after turning down a promotion. If this would have happened already I'm pretty sure I know what I would do and it would have been the wrong choice. It would possibly be my one chance to make a descent living at any point in the foreseeable future and I would have to turn it down in order to stick with my convictions.

...I guess what it boils down to is God didn't let this come into my life earlier because he know I would have made the wrong choices and screwed up the amazing world changing things he has planned for me!


P.S. for those of you that know them PLEASE don't mention any of this to my employers (or anyone who would tell them) although I am willing to stick to my convictions I'm not quite ready to act on them just yet.

We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death. ~David Sarnoff

So today I got an interesting glimpse into the face of death. No...I'm not talking about Farrah Fawcett and I am most definitely not talking about Michael Jackson. The death of a celebrity can in no way be put on the same plane as the death of a normal person. Celebrities aren't real, they're just something you see on a screen or in a tabloid. Sure they are real enough to their family but that's not the same thing, is it? But I digress. Today I had a 15 minute conversation that made me think about death more than I ever have before. But before I delve into specifics, a little background of my views on the subject. I have never been afraid of death. That is to say, that as long as I can remember, since I have been aware of the concept (and reality) of death I've never been afraid of it. I've known a lot of death in my life. I've been in hospital rooms when people die on a couple of occasions. I've lost multiple grand parents and found myself less than affected by the majority of the loss. As bad as it may seem, when my father's mom died I left work in the morning and was back on the clock by noon. It really is something that looses it's ferocity the more you experience it. When I was in 5th grade one of my best friends was killed in a tragic accident. I think the year(or so) after that the father of another of my best friends died on Christmas Eve. Don't misunderstand me it's not that I don't miss the departed or regret the fact that I can't be around them any more. No...that's not it at all. It's hard to explain because the more I try, the worse it makes me look. I'd like to think it's because I'm secure in what's going to happen to my soul after I die that allows me to accept it like this. But although I am secure in my fate I'm not sure that's it. You see, I think I've just been around it so much it has become, sort of...mundane. Join me again in present day. Standing in the back stockroom at work today I had a discussion with a 23 year old kid who only earlier this morning found out he has a brain tumor the size of a rather large walnut. He has a 50-50 shot of it continuing to grow and there is no one in the immediate area that can preform this type of surgery. Oh wait, that's not the part that got to me, not entirely. We stood there talking, going over hypotheticals in both directions of his fate. What happens if he has surgery, what if he chooses not to. Being typically male we tried to poke a little fun at the situation. I told him if things progressed poorly he could get to sign up for a make-a-wish. So we talked about what he would want in that instance. He started talking about how if he got to the point where his days were numbered he would want to move west and spend a lot of time at the ocean. (Nope that wasn't what got me either). Do you want to hear what it was, what broke through my typically stoic mien? He stood there with red rimmed eyes, all manned-up, he told me the thing he is going to regret the most is having to shave his head. That's it, that's what did it. Not, if I die there is so much I haven't done. Not, I'm going to fight it's not going to get me. Not, I hate the world for allowing this to happen to me. I don't want to shave my head...and that's had me thinking all day long. To me it brings death a whole lot more into focus. It shows me that his mind can not handle everything it's receiving so it broke all that information down into one tiny little thing that it could handle. It can't handle do I risk surgery but my hair is so thick I don't want to loose it, is right in it's wheelhouse. This scared the hell out of me. I'm so used to being able to think through most any situation and look at it logically but now there is something that has the power to make my brain say, No I won't think about that try this instead. That is the part I don't think I could take. This poor kid has no real family, they are there but not the kind of people you can count on. He is being forced to face his own mortality. But what keeps going through my mind is, what happens when he isn't worried about his hair anymore? What is the next thing his mind can cling to? I'm not seeing a whole lot of other innocuous things it can find in the situation.

Sorry to be so bleak.

Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic. ~Norman Cousins

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

OK, so I've been really wanting to get back to posting on this Blog and I thought the easiest way to find a topic is to take something someone else has said and expound on it (for those that don't know I'm kind of a sucker for quotes and that makes this easier).

I find it interesting how we acquire the people in our lives that make us happy. I say we but, of course, I really mean me. I think it's funny how round about it is. My own personal group of "charming gardeners" thinking back were all basically accidental meetings or met through acquaintances or (most interesting of all) people I had missed meeting earlier in life but was only a degree away. I have a friend that is the cousin of one of my friends when I was in junior high and high school but we had never met back then. I have another friend who is the sister of someone I knew from 3rd grade all the way through graduation. While I can't still count the initial relationships as friends, too many years have gone by for that, it has lead me to some of my favorite people.

But it's not just the initial meeting that has me fascinated it's how your whole perception of people can change through the course of time. For the better or worse. It's interesting you can be really tight with someone and after a little time you just can't be around them anymore. I'm hardly friends with anyone I knew while I was in school anymore, although thanks to the wonder of facebook I've reconnected with some really good people from back in the day. But it can work the other way too. People that you're not close with to start off with can turn out to be some of the most important people in your life, sometimes more so than you would have expected.

I know this post is kind of meandering and doesn't fully complete any thoughts but this was really more to get me back in the swing of writing and less about quality of content ;)

All this to say that at this point in my life my soul is lush and growing greener and more full every day. I am so grateful for those of you who cultivate it. I hope you know who you are (if not ask I'll let you know) I have people in my life that I can't imagine not being there and hopefully they always will be. I love you guys.