We wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment.

So after all my plans and dreams of going to see The Family Shears at some point in the upcoming year (I told Sarah spring but I meant hopefully by June) all it took was a trip to see Jason to make it all spring into reality with frightening alacrity. Jason had scheduled his trip for mid-March and when I told him my thoughts on when I would go he told me I should look in March too because the prices are so much lower. Now, I had a certain amount in mind that I was willing to spend for tickets and that was pretty much what I would have paid for a round trip ticket to London in May. When I checked the tickets for March I was amazed to find out that they were literally half that price. So I instantly decided to move up my trip. But the thing is It got into my head that since the tickets were so much cheaper I might expand my itinerary. So I checked out what it would cost to add a stop in Richmond on the way home. To my great delight it still came in under what the May ticket would have been (though not by a lot). So in the end I didn't end up saving any money but I get to see my Sister and Brother-in-law my amazing almost two year old (when I get there) niece and I will get to meet my brand new 3-4 month old niece for the very first time. I think it was truly divine provenance and that this is what I was intended to do all along. Because this thing went through so smoothly despite my famous reluctance to change once I have an idea set in my head. So today I went in and got my little (2"x2" to be exact) photo taken and went down to my friendly neighborhood post office and put in the paperwork for my passport. So I will be, God willing, leaving 6:00am March 15 and I will be in an airplane or an airport until 6:20am London time March 16. That's a heck of a way to spend my birthday, huh? But then I will be in London until the following Sunday. Jason will be joining us there on Wednesday so we will get to kick around London together! Now there are a few spots I think are a must see (I'm actually most interested in seeing the Tate Modern Museum) but if you are reading this and have thoughts of what I should try to fit in while there I am open for suggestions. So a week in London and then I fly to Richmond and spend a week with my family there. If your keeping track a few things I want to see there; There is a great little music store down in Carytown called Plan 9 Records that I have to go back to, plus there is this island that is accessible by foot bridge that I would like to check out and I think I would like to see the campus while I'm there...again, anything else I should see I'm up for suggestions. Also while I'm there I might try to make a little time to hang out with my girls :) So as of right now the only thing holding me up is waiting on my passport. So if the government cooperates, 3 months from today I will be in the air! I am very, very excited and more than a little nervous. I've had butterflies in my stomach since I booked the tickets!

"Think like a man of action. Act like a man of thought."

One of my great joys is discovering quotes. I find great power in the words of people that have gone before me. I truly enjoy reading and thinking over things said by intelligent people. I sometimes sit at my computer for hours just searching quote sites. It was during one of these oratorical spelunking expeditions that I discovered my titular quote. It was given to me by Henri Louis Bergson. I say the French philosopher gave this quote to me because in all the time I've been looking, no quote has ever meant so much to me as quickly as this one has. So I can only deduce that it was meant specifically for me. In short, this is the man I aspire to be. For me it's the first part that I have had the most difficulty with up to this point in my life. My ideals have been fairly passive, accepting the things that come my way as being the things that were meant for me. Instead of actively making choices to improve myself and my lot in life. I have learned that you must have a plan and not be afraid to takes steps towards it's completion. The turning point for me (and this is still a work in progress) was finally believing that I deserve to be happy and should have a real life. But I love the balance this quote offers! I think peoples actions should be well thought out. It should be evident by the way you live that you have the ability to reason. The people I respect most are intelligent, thoughtful people who are proactive about their lives. I intend to count myself in that number. This is a goal I've given myself.

The Hardest Thing

So, as I'm coming to realize about myself, the worst feeling for me is helplessness. It really hits me hard when I am unable to help someone in need or have to stand idly by when someone is in pain. This is something that I've known for a while now but it was brought to the foreground of my mind today. You see, my friend Matt is a diabetic. He leads as close to a normal life as he can, but in doing so he sometimes isn't able to keep is sugar in check. Today it hit him hard. Today Matt passed out and started convulsing in a diabetes induced seizure. When the paramedics showed up and were able to get him somewhat stabilized but he didn't know where he was or what day it was. They decided that he wasn't rebounding as quickly as they would like him to so they took him in the ambulance to the hospital to fix him up. The whole time I couldn't do anything but stand there and try to stay out of the way. It has been a long time since I have felt that helpless. It scared me very badly, not only what was happening but the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. Matt is a strong kid and he will come back from this better than ever. But I'm still pretty shaken.

A Shift In My Family Paradigm

With the start of another holiday season I've been thinking a lot about the concept of family. I'm starting to fall out of line with the whole blood is thicker than water dogma. From the time we are born we are force fed the idea that we have to connect with people based solely on the fact that some of the same blood flows through their veins...no matter how minimal that flow may be. I'm sure historically this school of thought had it's merit; Hunter Gatherer family groups working as a cohesive unit are able to hunt larger prey, Pre-Industrial Revolution families working the same plot of land to increase the yield, Early Western settlers circling the wagons with family groups to ward of attack from the unknown...all of these things made life easier. I'm of the opinion that this mode of thinking is archaic and unnecessary in the modern world. With the world getting smaller with every passing year and fear of the scary unknown people being replaced by multi-cultural awareness, I think the old school family can be laid to rest and give way to a modern variation. To me a family should be the people you love most and want to be with, by choice not chance. I choose to spend my time and affection on people I feel comfortable with on an intellectual, spiritual or emotional level. I include in this number quite a few more of my friends and quite a few less of my biological extended relations. I have been quite blessed actually, because my immediate family is quite extraordinary. I sit in awe of both of my sisters who are both pretty amazing people. Both of whom are very intelligent and excel in their chosen fields. With the two of them I add to my group a Professor and a Sign Language Interpreter. One teaches the next generation to appreciate the value of language and the other brings language to those who know only too well what it's like to be without it. Those of you who know me best know how much I value words, and as such I find these both very noble callings. These two have brought me two others, their husbands. Two men that I am only too proud to call my brothers. Men that try to live lives of integrity and walk the path that the Lord has set before them while helping those around them as they go. In them I see perseverance and a giving nature that I find truly inspirational. I have a Mother that has the most caring heart of any person I have ever known. I have never heard a bad word uttered against her and when people I meet ask me if I'm her son it is with pride in my heart that I say I am. Now to my Father, it may seem, to some, hard to find a place for him in my new definition of family but I disagree. My Dad is a pretty smart cat and I'm quite sure he is where I get my uncanny ability to memorize (mostly) useless facts. Sometimes he's hard to get along with but it's his genes that have made some darn intelligent kids ;) Then there is my Nieces and soon to be Nephew, all I can say is there is nothing but love in my heart for these kids and no family of mine would be complete without them. With my current additions I have added to the fold a Social Worker, an I.T. guy, A Web Designer, A Mental Health Professional, an Art History student getting her Masters Degree, a Recreational Therapist, a Fireman (Fireperson?) and a Park Ranger...to name a few. I'm not saying that the people in my more "traditional" family are bad people because they aren't. They just aren't all people I would choose to spend very much time with. I don't know if this outlook makes me come across as cold or snobbish, but it is something I believe. I think life is too short not to spend it with the people you truly love just because society says you're supposed to love a different group.

Starting out...seeing what happens.

So...I've never tried to do anything like this before. Every time I've blogged before it turns into my opinions on books or movies or some trivial thing. I'm not saying you will never find that here but this Blog has a different purpose. A glimpse into my actual thoughts. You see, I don't like people to know too much about me. I have to have my barriers, I compartmentalize, I keep people in the dark. The depths of my mind can be a scary place and is not for the faint of heart. But the thing is, I'm beginning to realize that once I finally let someone inside they might actually be OK with what they find there. As cold and isolated and unflinchingly morose as that terrain can be it does have a flip side. I've figured out that I have a real heart for people and a desire to help. A side that has been nurtured and grown by a group of amazing people that I, for reasons I'm not exactly sure of, allowed into my mind. A select group of very close friends that know so much about me it scares me...a lot. I'm able to share my ideals and opinions with these people and as I'm laid out bare and vulnerable a funny thing happens, every single time. They don't deride me or make me feel as though my opinions or ideals are something less than theirs. They listen to me and share their thoughts and we have some unbelievably deep conversations about truly world changing things. These are smart people who know me and actually value me. I know these are things that most people find much earlier in life than I have. But I always had up my precious walls, but those things I used to protect myself blocked out much more than I had ever intended. As I'm coming to discover, things in my life only get better if I let people in. So this is kind of an experiment, just to see what happens when I actually tell people what I'm thinking about.

So anyways this whole rambling discourse was only meant to be an introduction. If it's any indication of how it's going to be it might all just be stream of consciousness salinger-esque crap. If I haven't already scared you off, check in once in a while and see what's going on. You never know what kind of random stuff might come out of my mouth...er...fingers.