We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death. ~David Sarnoff

So today I got an interesting glimpse into the face of death. No...I'm not talking about Farrah Fawcett and I am most definitely not talking about Michael Jackson. The death of a celebrity can in no way be put on the same plane as the death of a normal person. Celebrities aren't real, they're just something you see on a screen or in a tabloid. Sure they are real enough to their family but that's not the same thing, is it? But I digress. Today I had a 15 minute conversation that made me think about death more than I ever have before. But before I delve into specifics, a little background of my views on the subject. I have never been afraid of death. That is to say, that as long as I can remember, since I have been aware of the concept (and reality) of death I've never been afraid of it. I've known a lot of death in my life. I've been in hospital rooms when people die on a couple of occasions. I've lost multiple grand parents and found myself less than affected by the majority of the loss. As bad as it may seem, when my father's mom died I left work in the morning and was back on the clock by noon. It really is something that looses it's ferocity the more you experience it. When I was in 5th grade one of my best friends was killed in a tragic accident. I think the year(or so) after that the father of another of my best friends died on Christmas Eve. Don't misunderstand me it's not that I don't miss the departed or regret the fact that I can't be around them any more. No...that's not it at all. It's hard to explain because the more I try, the worse it makes me look. I'd like to think it's because I'm secure in what's going to happen to my soul after I die that allows me to accept it like this. But although I am secure in my fate I'm not sure that's it. You see, I think I've just been around it so much it has become, sort of...mundane. Join me again in present day. Standing in the back stockroom at work today I had a discussion with a 23 year old kid who only earlier this morning found out he has a brain tumor the size of a rather large walnut. He has a 50-50 shot of it continuing to grow and there is no one in the immediate area that can preform this type of surgery. Oh wait, that's not the part that got to me, not entirely. We stood there talking, going over hypotheticals in both directions of his fate. What happens if he has surgery, what if he chooses not to. Being typically male we tried to poke a little fun at the situation. I told him if things progressed poorly he could get to sign up for a make-a-wish. So we talked about what he would want in that instance. He started talking about how if he got to the point where his days were numbered he would want to move west and spend a lot of time at the ocean. (Nope that wasn't what got me either). Do you want to hear what it was, what broke through my typically stoic mien? He stood there with red rimmed eyes, all manned-up, he told me the thing he is going to regret the most is having to shave his head. That's it, that's what did it. Not, if I die there is so much I haven't done. Not, I'm going to fight it's not going to get me. Not, I hate the world for allowing this to happen to me. I don't want to shave my head...and that's had me thinking all day long. To me it brings death a whole lot more into focus. It shows me that his mind can not handle everything it's receiving so it broke all that information down into one tiny little thing that it could handle. It can't handle do I risk surgery but my hair is so thick I don't want to loose it, is right in it's wheelhouse. This scared the hell out of me. I'm so used to being able to think through most any situation and look at it logically but now there is something that has the power to make my brain say, No I won't think about that try this instead. That is the part I don't think I could take. This poor kid has no real family, they are there but not the kind of people you can count on. He is being forced to face his own mortality. But what keeps going through my mind is, what happens when he isn't worried about his hair anymore? What is the next thing his mind can cling to? I'm not seeing a whole lot of other innocuous things it can find in the situation.

Sorry to be so bleak.

Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic. ~Norman Cousins

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

OK, so I've been really wanting to get back to posting on this Blog and I thought the easiest way to find a topic is to take something someone else has said and expound on it (for those that don't know I'm kind of a sucker for quotes and that makes this easier).

I find it interesting how we acquire the people in our lives that make us happy. I say we but, of course, I really mean me. I think it's funny how round about it is. My own personal group of "charming gardeners" thinking back were all basically accidental meetings or met through acquaintances or (most interesting of all) people I had missed meeting earlier in life but was only a degree away. I have a friend that is the cousin of one of my friends when I was in junior high and high school but we had never met back then. I have another friend who is the sister of someone I knew from 3rd grade all the way through graduation. While I can't still count the initial relationships as friends, too many years have gone by for that, it has lead me to some of my favorite people.

But it's not just the initial meeting that has me fascinated it's how your whole perception of people can change through the course of time. For the better or worse. It's interesting you can be really tight with someone and after a little time you just can't be around them anymore. I'm hardly friends with anyone I knew while I was in school anymore, although thanks to the wonder of facebook I've reconnected with some really good people from back in the day. But it can work the other way too. People that you're not close with to start off with can turn out to be some of the most important people in your life, sometimes more so than you would have expected.

I know this post is kind of meandering and doesn't fully complete any thoughts but this was really more to get me back in the swing of writing and less about quality of content ;)

All this to say that at this point in my life my soul is lush and growing greener and more full every day. I am so grateful for those of you who cultivate it. I hope you know who you are (if not ask I'll let you know) I have people in my life that I can't imagine not being there and hopefully they always will be. I love you guys.