Problems are only opportunities with thorns on them. ~Hugh Miller

So there I was after work on Friday, plans were set and all I wanted to do was get in the car and get the clothes I wanted to change into and get on the road. When I pulled on the passenger side door handle -a quick aside for those of you joining our program already in progress, earlier this year my driver side door handle busted off leaving me to enter my car by going through the passenger side to open the driver side from the inside and go around to get in. and...were back-I hear a metallic sound and then something falling and nothing. My door would not open. So there I was with a two door car built before you could enter through the trunk with all windows snugly sealed and places to be. Now I try to be a fairly level headed guy and so I set out to find a solution. My first effort was to get a glass cutter and cut a nice little hole in the window that I could fish through and open my door. That was stupid on multiple levels, 1) There still would have been a hole in my window and 2) that glass is way to thick for a pansy little glass cutter to get through. So while frustration built my mind found and clung to A SOLUTION!!! I calmly walked back into work and to the stock room grabbed up a baseball bat that we keep by the back door, for some reason I have yet to discern, and very coolly and calmly walked back out of the store. Then I went to town on that bad boy. Actually it didn't take all that much to put the end of that bat through my window, none of the electric ones the little ones on the back side panel. That glass shattered and went everywhere. I cut myself up a little in the process so I went back in the store and started shopping. I bought some gauze and bandages and triple antibiotic ointment a package of painters drop cloths and a roll of duct tape. I bandaged myself up got a pole with a hook on it, one of many we have around the store, and opened my driver side door from the inside, broke out the rest of the glass so no one else cut themselves on it and covered the window in plastic. So for the last 5 days I've had to park with my driver side window rolled down, and covered in a loose sheet of plastic to ward off the rain, so I can get into my car at all. So now I have to find and replace parts on both of my doors and replace a broken window. But even with all that except for getting a little frustrated I don't look at it as a negative experience. I knew this was going to happen eventually because the design of the door handles is not a structurally sound one, so it wasn't a total surprise. Also while it was a little trying it was kind of cool to break out a car window with a baseball bat, I mean how often do regular law abiding citizens get to do stuff like that? It's usually reserved to vandals, thugs or scorned women. I got a battle wound, which all guys know makes every story better. So all it cost me was a little frustration, a little blood and whatever it ends up costing in replacement parts (window and handles) and I got a fairly descent story out of it. Not a bad trade. :)

Trying again

So it's been a while since I posted anything on here and thought I'd give it a go again. This blogging thing is kind of a double-edged sword for me, I wanted to write real stuff and actually delve into my feelings in a way I don't usually allow. But my last post was a little rough on me. I put down my feelings and then ran away from the blog because this is where they were. For someone like me, who distances himself from overt displays of emotion, coming to a place that has them stored for re-reading and re-living is nigh on torturous.

I'm not sure how "normal" people blog, always finding something to write about in the inanity of day to day life. How could anybody ever want to read about every minute detail of somebodies life? Maybe the bigger question for me is...How can anybody feel free enough to be that intimate with any and everybody who might happen across their blog? I've never felt like I can ever tell anybody everything about myself I've always got to hold somethings back something that can always be mine. Even if they are little things. If you give everything of yourself away will you have anything left for yourself? If someone knew everything about me and didn't like me or God forbid flat-out rejected me...I'm not sure how I would handle that.

A while back I posted about a concern I was having about myself and while I haven't actually gotten a professional opinion about this, surprise surprise, I feel pretty sure about my self diagnosis. I'm thinking I have what's called Social Anxiety Disorder. I have a very hard time allowing myself to get close to people because I am constantly worried about what they are thinking about me or if what I say or do around them was the correct thing. Rest assured if we have ever had a conversation, especially a meaningful one, I spent a length of time (usually the rest of the night but sometimes going into days afterward) dissecting every thing I or you said or did to see if I somehow messed things up and sometimes creating issues if there is nothing obviously wrong. This happens with most everyone but especially my friends or family or people who's opinion I place a high value on. I also have to kind of withdraw sometimes. If I'm always around people, even people I care about, I get really overloaded. I get uneasy until I can get away and spend some time by myself. Plus it makes it hard to keep in touch with people. I always feel like I'm intruding on people or forcing my presence on them if I call, write or stop in on them. So most often I don't do it because I don't want the people who are willing to put up with me to get tired of me. Look...I know this is going to sound either like an excuse to justify my actions or as craziness. But I think people deserve to know a little bit about what I was talking about back then, I realize I freaked some people out just leaving that post hanging in the air. Some people were thinking it was something really major and while this is hard...it's mostly just hard for me. Since I've got kind of an idea about what it is it does make it a little easier. Knowing that it's a real thing and not me just being a jerk or something :)

I know this completely goes against the norm for me, I've never really told this to anyone before. But while I know this is going to be out there for people to stumble across I also know that the only people who will actively read it are people I love and respect and who have a right to know why I am how I am.

So maybe next time I'll talk about my day or going to the store or something intimate and exciting like that, but for now I guess your stuck with the disjointed ramblings of a lunatic :)