So I had this friend, right, he was one of the smart guys. He could reason things through like almost no one I've ever known. His biggest problem, as I saw it, was he was too smart for faith. Too smart to know it's OK not to know all the answers. Unable to believe that people need to believe in something. Faith, belief, reliance sometimes they are the only thing that keeps you going. This life can be a very hard and ugly place sometimes and if you have no one to turn to...where do you turn. I really liked this guy, man, he could talk about the heavy stuff and that, to me, is the easiest way to judge intelligence. I respected him for it because although I couldn't get him to see things my way he never shrunk from the conversation.
This guy, though, he was having a bad time of it (life). A lot of anxiety, feelings of hopelessness and despair. He was hurting and didn't know how to make the pain go away. For a long time he has been calling another friend of mine when he was at the lowest points and telling him that he wanted the pain to go away and was thinking of taking the only way out he could see. He would say what he wanted to do and then say the only thing really stopping him was that he was too weak to do it or maybe too scared. Well I guess when things don't get better and you see no other options it has a very sad way of working up your courage and resolve. See, today, he killed himself. He called my other friend last night just like so many other times. But the part that isn't like other times is at some point today he actually went through with taking his own life.
It is such a waste. If he could only have known how to believe in something...I think that is the key to making it through this life. Nobody is happy all the time, nobody has a smooth road, nobody can manage all by themselves. There has to be something bigger, someone to turn to when you can't make it on your own. Someone to show you the path when you are to blinded by your tears to see the way. Someone to pick you up out of whatever hole you have dug for yourself and let you know you have options. It's the people that can't (or don't) believe that see that as the only way to end there pain. I've had dark times in my life when I didn't know what was going to happen and I didn't want to be me anymore. Thank God, that I can rely on him. I don't even want to think about a reality in which I would be in this world without my Lord, my protector, my shield against the crap that our human minds come up with.
...sometimes the world sucks.
Please, Lord God, be with the friends and family of this poor unfortunate soul. Suicide is not a victimless crime father, this brings about so much more pain and despair please bolster spirits Lord, we need you more than ever. I'm sorry father that I wasn't able to guide him to you Lord, you could have made all the difference. Please help us all get through this terrible tragedy, and please Lord be with everyone tonight that can't see a way out. Send an emissary to them tonight Lord and soften there hearts they need you Father, please protect them. Amen
4 comments:
Bri, I agree with your prayers. And I'm so sorry for your loss--it sounds like he was a terrific friend for you. I know what it's like to lose someone close to you whose future isn't secured; a dear friend of mine died (quite unexpectedly) of cancer when he was just 27 (I was about 24, I think).
We had countless conversations about God, and while he was always open to hearing my point of view, and respected me due to our friendship, he never felt compelled to open his heart to that possibility (he was a Buddhist). I have never felt grief like that before--the hopeless grief of knowing someone is lost forever.
I'm not sharing this with you to make you feel worse--just to let you know that I've been someplace similar, and that I'm using that experience to shape my prayers for you now. I love you.
Bri, I'm praying for you and for your friends. What a huge hole is left by people not understanding that they aren't as alone as they feel. I'm glad to see and hear that your faith is still intact. You are right when you say that without faith you've got nothing. You especially don't have hope and without hope it is so hard to keep going on...I love you and I'm here if you need to talk.
Quick update. Today was the memorial service and it was really nice. I had become aware, as was evident by my blog, that the hardest part for me was I didn't know where Nathan was with the Lord when he died. But I came away from the service today very encouraged. I talked with his brothers and was assured that he had accepted Jesus and his soul was secure. When I found this out it was like a light switch going on for me. I was really at peace and there was no more reason for grief. I have to admit I had never had a conversation about this with him, although we had debated about religion. So I only had assumptions and while it's still hard that he's not here it's not as bad as I had thought. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers they really mean a lot to me.
Bri, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend! I'm thankful that God was present in your life, to deal with the grief (and in Nathans' life to bring him home.)
My prayers are always with you, and I'm here if you need me for anything.
Post a Comment