Sorry to be so bleak.
Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic. ~Norman Cousins
Thursday, June 25, 2009
We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death. ~David Sarnoff
So today I got an interesting glimpse into the face of death. No...I'm not talking about Farrah Fawcett and I am most definitely not talking about Michael Jackson. The death of a celebrity can in no way be put on the same plane as the death of a normal person. Celebrities aren't real, they're just something you see on a screen or in a tabloid. Sure they are real enough to their family but that's not the same thing, is it? But I digress. Today I had a 15 minute conversation that made me think about death more than I ever have before. But before I delve into specifics, a little background of my views on the subject. I have never been afraid of death. That is to say, that as long as I can remember, since I have been aware of the concept (and reality) of death I've never been afraid of it. I've known a lot of death in my life. I've been in hospital rooms when people die on a couple of occasions. I've lost multiple grand parents and found myself less than affected by the majority of the loss. As bad as it may seem, when my father's mom died I left work in the morning and was back on the clock by noon. It really is something that looses it's ferocity the more you experience it. When I was in 5th grade one of my best friends was killed in a tragic accident. I think the year(or so) after that the father of another of my best friends died on Christmas Eve. Don't misunderstand me it's not that I don't miss the departed or regret the fact that I can't be around them any more. No...that's not it at all. It's hard to explain because the more I try, the worse it makes me look. I'd like to think it's because I'm secure in what's going to happen to my soul after I die that allows me to accept it like this. But although I am secure in my fate I'm not sure that's it. You see, I think I've just been around it so much it has become, sort of...mundane. Join me again in present day. Standing in the back stockroom at work today I had a discussion with a 23 year old kid who only earlier this morning found out he has a brain tumor the size of a rather large walnut. He has a 50-50 shot of it continuing to grow and there is no one in the immediate area that can preform this type of surgery. Oh wait, that's not the part that got to me, not entirely. We stood there talking, going over hypotheticals in both directions of his fate. What happens if he has surgery, what if he chooses not to. Being typically male we tried to poke a little fun at the situation. I told him if things progressed poorly he could get to sign up for a make-a-wish. So we talked about what he would want in that instance. He started talking about how if he got to the point where his days were numbered he would want to move west and spend a lot of time at the ocean. (Nope that wasn't what got me either). Do you want to hear what it was, what broke through my typically stoic mien? He stood there with red rimmed eyes, all manned-up, he told me the thing he is going to regret the most is having to shave his head. That's it, that's what did it. Not, if I die there is so much I haven't done. Not, I'm going to fight it's not going to get me. Not, I hate the world for allowing this to happen to me. I don't want to shave my head...and that's had me thinking all day long. To me it brings death a whole lot more into focus. It shows me that his mind can not handle everything it's receiving so it broke all that information down into one tiny little thing that it could handle. It can't handle do I risk surgery but my hair is so thick I don't want to loose it, is right in it's wheelhouse. This scared the hell out of me. I'm so used to being able to think through most any situation and look at it logically but now there is something that has the power to make my brain say, No I won't think about that try this instead. That is the part I don't think I could take. This poor kid has no real family, they are there but not the kind of people you can count on. He is being forced to face his own mortality. But what keeps going through my mind is, what happens when he isn't worried about his hair anymore? What is the next thing his mind can cling to? I'm not seeing a whole lot of other innocuous things it can find in the situation.
Sorry to be so bleak.
Sorry to be so bleak.
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2 comments:
First, a word to Mr. Cousins. I disagree that hope suggests the absence of logic. In fact, I think that real hope requires it--in order to truly face the future optimistically, one must first consider carefully Who controls that future, and determine (logically) what one must do to prepare for it. Blind faith is an oxymoron.
But to the real point of your post. I don't find it morbid at all; in fact, I think we view death entirely too darkly in this society as it is. I don't know that I could be as stoic as you in the face of death, but I do think that having the right perspective (eternal) makes a huge difference. Of course, if one truly believes in the afterlife, facing the death of a loved one who does not share that belief can be devastating (I know this first hand).
That said, I like the way some other cultures, such as Asian and African, view death. They see it much more as a part of their everyday existence, and I find that extremely healthy (sort of the "circle of life" idea popularized by Disney and Phil Collins). For example, in my husband's homestead, the graves of their ancestors are buried in the compound--right in front of some of the homes. Each morning (if one chose to), one could greet his or her grandfather on the way to the shower. When a loved one dies, the entire family gathers to share in the joys and sorrows, and it's a bit of festivity to which (despite the sad occasion) everyone looks forward.
This to me seems much more natural. I think Hollywood and our self-centeredness in this culture have ruined death for us. A healthy respect and appreciation for death can carry us far. Knowing what will happen in the future will help us better prepare for it--denying it's existence is the most dangerous thing we can ever do.
PS: I tried my best to reconstruct this comment; I'm sure something has changed or been left out!
P.S.S. I realized that I never really got to your main point (what 'scared the hell out of you'...) I think what we usually most fear is being out of control (I know I do). But I guess that's what faith is really all about, isn't it? Your friend is trying his best to find something he can control (his hair), in the face of this seemingly insurmountable challenge. But I think the real key is to just let go entirely, and allow the things we can't control to take us where we are destined to go.
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