It's Not Too Late To Be Who You Might Have Been!

Problems are only opportunities with thorns on them. ~Hugh Miller

2010-06-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

So there I was after work on Friday, plans were set and all I wanted to do was get in the car and get the clothes I wanted to change into and get on the road. When I pulled on the passenger side door handle -a quick aside for those of you joining our program already in progress, earlier this year my driver side door handle busted off leaving me to enter my car by going through the passenger side to open the driver side from the inside and go around to get in. and...were back-I hear a metallic sound and then something falling and nothing. My door would not open. So there I was with a two door car built before you could enter through the trunk with all windows snugly sealed and places to be. Now I try to be a fairly level headed guy and so I set out to find a solution. My first effort was to get a glass cutter and cut a nice little hole in the window that I could fish through and open my door. That was stupid on multiple levels, 1) There still would have been a hole in my window and 2) that glass is way to thick for a pansy little glass cutter to get through. So while frustration built my mind found and clung to A SOLUTION!!! I calmly walked back into work and to the stock room grabbed up a baseball bat that we keep by the back door, for some reason I have yet to discern, and very coolly and calmly walked back out of the store. Then I went to town on that bad boy. Actually it didn't take all that much to put the end of that bat through my window, none of the electric ones the little ones on the back side panel. That glass shattered and went everywhere. I cut myself up a little in the process so I went back in the store and started shopping. I bought some gauze and bandages and triple antibiotic ointment a package of painters drop cloths and a roll of duct tape. I bandaged myself up got a pole with a hook on it, one of many we have around the store, and opened my driver side door from the inside, broke out the rest of the glass so no one else cut themselves on it and covered the window in plastic. So for the last 5 days I've had to park with my driver side window rolled down, and covered in a loose sheet of plastic to ward off the rain, so I can get into my car at all. So now I have to find and replace parts on both of my doors and replace a broken window. But even with all that except for getting a little frustrated I don't look at it as a negative experience. I knew this was going to happen eventually because the design of the door handles is not a structurally sound one, so it wasn't a total surprise. Also while it was a little trying it was kind of cool to break out a car window with a baseball bat, I mean how often do regular law abiding citizens get to do stuff like that? It's usually reserved to vandals, thugs or scorned women. I got a battle wound, which all guys know makes every story better. So all it cost me was a little frustration, a little blood and whatever it ends up costing in replacement parts (window and handles) and I got a fairly descent story out of it. Not a bad trade. :)

Trying again

2010-04-29T23:19:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since I posted anything on here and thought I'd give it a go again. This blogging thing is kind of a double-edged sword for me, I wanted to write real stuff and actually delve into my feelings in a way I don't usually allow. But my last post was a little rough on me. I put down my feelings and then ran away from the blog because this is where they were. For someone like me, who distances himself from overt displays of emotion, coming to a place that has them stored for re-reading and re-living is nigh on torturous.

I'm not sure how "normal" people blog, always finding something to write about in the inanity of day to day life. How could anybody ever want to read about every minute detail of somebodies life? Maybe the bigger question for me is...How can anybody feel free enough to be that intimate with any and everybody who might happen across their blog? I've never felt like I can ever tell anybody everything about myself I've always got to hold somethings back something that can always be mine. Even if they are little things. If you give everything of yourself away will you have anything left for yourself? If someone knew everything about me and didn't like me or God forbid flat-out rejected me...I'm not sure how I would handle that.

A while back I posted about a concern I was having about myself and while I haven't actually gotten a professional opinion about this, surprise surprise, I feel pretty sure about my self diagnosis. I'm thinking I have what's called Social Anxiety Disorder. I have a very hard time allowing myself to get close to people because I am constantly worried about what they are thinking about me or if what I say or do around them was the correct thing. Rest assured if we have ever had a conversation, especially a meaningful one, I spent a length of time (usually the rest of the night but sometimes going into days afterward) dissecting every thing I or you said or did to see if I somehow messed things up and sometimes creating issues if there is nothing obviously wrong. This happens with most everyone but especially my friends or family or people who's opinion I place a high value on. I also have to kind of withdraw sometimes. If I'm always around people, even people I care about, I get really overloaded. I get uneasy until I can get away and spend some time by myself. Plus it makes it hard to keep in touch with people. I always feel like I'm intruding on people or forcing my presence on them if I call, write or stop in on them. So most often I don't do it because I don't want the people who are willing to put up with me to get tired of me. Look...I know this is going to sound either like an excuse to justify my actions or as craziness. But I think people deserve to know a little bit about what I was talking about back then, I realize I freaked some people out just leaving that post hanging in the air. Some people were thinking it was something really major and while this is hard...it's mostly just hard for me. Since I've got kind of an idea about what it is it does make it a little easier. Knowing that it's a real thing and not me just being a jerk or something :)

I know this completely goes against the norm for me, I've never really told this to anyone before. But while I know this is going to be out there for people to stumble across I also know that the only people who will actively read it are people I love and respect and who have a right to know why I am how I am.

So maybe next time I'll talk about my day or going to the store or something intimate and exciting like that, but for now I guess your stuck with the disjointed ramblings of a lunatic :)

Sometimes life sucks

2009-10-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

So I had this friend, right, he was one of the smart guys. He could reason things through like almost no one I've ever known. His biggest problem, as I saw it, was he was too smart for faith. Too smart to know it's OK not to know all the answers. Unable to believe that people need to believe in something. Faith, belief, reliance sometimes they are the only thing that keeps you going. This life can be a very hard and ugly place sometimes and if you have no one to turn to...where do you turn. I really liked this guy, man, he could talk about the heavy stuff and that, to me, is the easiest way to judge intelligence. I respected him for it because although I couldn't get him to see things my way he never shrunk from the conversation.

This guy, though, he was having a bad time of it (life). A lot of anxiety, feelings of hopelessness and despair. He was hurting and didn't know how to make the pain go away. For a long time he has been calling another friend of mine when he was at the lowest points and telling him that he wanted the pain to go away and was thinking of taking the only way out he could see. He would say what he wanted to do and then say the only thing really stopping him was that he was too weak to do it or maybe too scared. Well I guess when things don't get better and you see no other options it has a very sad way of working up your courage and resolve. See, today, he killed himself. He called my other friend last night just like so many other times. But the part that isn't like other times is at some point today he actually went through with taking his own life.

It is such a waste. If he could only have known how to believe in something...I think that is the key to making it through this life. Nobody is happy all the time, nobody has a smooth road, nobody can manage all by themselves. There has to be something bigger, someone to turn to when you can't make it on your own. Someone to show you the path when you are to blinded by your tears to see the way. Someone to pick you up out of whatever hole you have dug for yourself and let you know you have options. It's the people that can't (or don't) believe that see that as the only way to end there pain. I've had dark times in my life when I didn't know what was going to happen and I didn't want to be me anymore. Thank God, that I can rely on him. I don't even want to think about a reality in which I would be in this world without my Lord, my protector, my shield against the crap that our human minds come up with.

...sometimes the world sucks.

Please, Lord God, be with the friends and family of this poor unfortunate soul. Suicide is not a victimless crime father, this brings about so much more pain and despair please bolster spirits Lord, we need you more than ever. I'm sorry father that I wasn't able to guide him to you Lord, you could have made all the difference. Please help us all get through this terrible tragedy, and please Lord be with everyone tonight that can't see a way out. Send an emissary to them tonight Lord and soften there hearts they need you Father, please protect them. Amen

Law never made men a whit more just. ~Henry David Thoreau

2009-07-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

So the way I see it is if police officers cannot see past their own biases and ignorance they need to be stripped of their badges. How is it possible that the chump that arrested Dr. Henry Louis Gates Jr., for the audacious crime of being successful AND black, can still walk around with a badge and gun when he obviously has no moral fiber or even a modicum of good judgment. For those that don't know this loser reported to a burglary in progress at Dr. Gates' house. Dr. Gates showed him 2 forms of ID and explained who he was and that it was his house that the university, in which he works as a professor(Harvard), manages the property. AFTER THAT, after he knows who it is and who's house it is, he proceeds to put Dr. Gates in handcuffs, take him to the station, fully process him, make him post bail and make him wait 5 days for the charges to be dropped. All because he's a black man who had the nerve to live in a neighborhood full of rich white people. Because he's made a great living using his mind and this hillbilly cop thinks he needs to knock him down a few rungs. It is obvious he knew what he was doing was wrong because he refused to give Dr. Gates his name or badge number.

There can be no justice when unjust men are enforcing our laws. I have great respect, in general, for the law enforcement officers of our country but they can not be given free reign to enforce there own biases, their job is to know and enforce the laws of our country. This is supposed to be a country where anyone can make a better life for themselves. It is the American way to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and improve your situation. A country that is supposed to be the place where you can be free as long as you live within our laws. It is not supposed to be only available to one race, religion, gender, political ideology or only to those with enough in the bank to keep the wolves at bay. This is the place in the world that is supposed to stand for hope, the place people aspire to come and grow as good people. Who knew that it's only the good things for white people who are already here, and for everyone else it's still the place were the police can come into your house in the middle of the day and haul you to jail just because they don't like what or who you are. It is a very rare thing that I am ashamed to be American, I do get guilty from time to time because of the embarrassment of luxuries we take for granted and the things we waste that people in other countries are dying because they don't have enough of. Today I am truly ashamed that this can happen in the country I love.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2009/07/20/2009-07-20_esteemed_harvard_professor_henry_louis_gates_jr_arrested_while_getting_into_his_.html?page=0

http://www.theroot.com/views/skip-gates-speaks

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

Martin Luther King

Timing, it can't always be bad...right?

2009-07-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's interesting that for quite a while I've been kind of in neutral, idling as it were, and while I was, pretty much everything else (exterior forces acting on my life; God, fate, bosses, possibly a muse) seemed to be doing the same thing, namely...nothing. Now here is the ironic part. I fancy that I'm starting to come out of my malaise and these forces seem to be trying to make up for lost time. All sort of fighting against each other, presumably figuring to make sure they get there chance first in case I give in again before they get there turn. My issue isn't that these things are happening but in the fact that they are contradictory things most of them trying keep me from the path that I have deemed appropriate for my future. You see, I've recently started making decisions that impact the way my life will go from the point that I am able to enact them (sorry I'm not going into details here but I like to play close to the vest, you'll find out in due time). The things that are going on at any other point would have been a blessing and I would have welcomed them, but now they seem a trap that only look to drag me down. I'll give you the latest example (the one that actually prompted this post). I have worked my current job for a long time and while I have made some advances in seniority and rank, it has never been a fiscally beneficial time for me. I have decided that while I like my job and would not have met any of my best friends without it, I do not want to work retail for the rest of my life. Shocker. I know it's a job that's supposed to be a means to an end and not a career. But now that I've come to this realization a very interesting thing has happened. I was talking to the owners of the store and it was intimated to me that they had me pegged for a pretty significant promotion and raise (although not hard dates or plans were made). The thing is, I know me. I've got this very strong sense of honor, if I was to take that promotion that's it for me. That's my job for ever. So it seems that has put an expiration date on my current job. When the time comes I can do 1 of 2 things. 1) I can take it, bank some money, buy a house, settle down in Cheney and work that job...forever. or 2) I quit and start my plans at that point whether I'm ready or not. I don't see a 3 I can't see myself working there after turning down a promotion. If this would have happened already I'm pretty sure I know what I would do and it would have been the wrong choice. It would possibly be my one chance to make a descent living at any point in the foreseeable future and I would have to turn it down in order to stick with my convictions.

...I guess what it boils down to is God didn't let this come into my life earlier because he know I would have made the wrong choices and screwed up the amazing world changing things he has planned for me!

P.S. for those of you that know them PLEASE don't mention any of this to my employers (or anyone who would tell them) although I am willing to stick to my convictions I'm not quite ready to act on them just yet.

We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death. ~David Sarnoff

2009-06-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

So today I got an interesting glimpse into the face of death. No...I'm not talking about Farrah Fawcett and I am most definitely not talking about Michael Jackson. The death of a celebrity can in no way be put on the same plane as the death of a normal person. Celebrities aren't real, they're just something you see on a screen or in a tabloid. Sure they are real enough to their family but that's not the same thing, is it? But I digress. Today I had a 15 minute conversation that made me think about death more than I ever have before. But before I delve into specifics, a little background of my views on the subject. I have never been afraid of death. That is to say, that as long as I can remember, since I have been aware of the concept (and reality) of death I've never been afraid of it. I've known a lot of death in my life. I've been in hospital rooms when people die on a couple of occasions. I've lost multiple grand parents and found myself less than affected by the majority of the loss. As bad as it may seem, when my father's mom died I left work in the morning and was back on the clock by noon. It really is something that looses it's ferocity the more you experience it. When I was in 5th grade one of my best friends was killed in a tragic accident. I think the year(or so) after that the father of another of my best friends died on Christmas Eve. Don't misunderstand me it's not that I don't miss the departed or regret the fact that I can't be around them any more. No...that's not it at all. It's hard to explain because the more I try, the worse it makes me look. I'd like to think it's because I'm secure in what's going to happen to my soul after I die that allows me to accept it like this. But although I am secure in my fate I'm not sure that's it. You see, I think I've just been around it so much it has become, sort of...mundane. Join me again in present day. Standing in the back stockroom at work today I had a discussion with a 23 year old kid who only earlier this morning found out he has a brain tumor the size of a rather large walnut. He has a 50-50 shot of it continuing to grow and there is no one in the immediate area that can preform this type of surgery. Oh wait, that's not the part that got to me, not entirely. We stood there talking, going over hypotheticals in both directions of his fate. What happens if he has surgery, what if he chooses not to. Being typically male we tried to poke a little fun at the situation. I told him if things progressed poorly he could get to sign up for a make-a-wish. So we talked about what he would want in that instance. He started talking about how if he got to the point where his days were numbered he would want to move west and spend a lot of time at the ocean. (Nope that wasn't what got me either). Do you want to hear what it was, what broke through my typically stoic mien? He stood there with red rimmed eyes, all manned-up, he told me the thing he is going to regret the most is having to shave his head. That's it, that's what did it. Not, if I die there is so much I haven't done. Not, I'm going to fight it's not going to get me. Not, I hate the world for allowing this to happen to me. I don't want to shave my head...and that's had me thinking all day long. To me it brings death a whole lot more into focus. It shows me that his mind can not handle everything it's receiving so it broke all that information down into one tiny little thing that it could handle. It can't handle do I risk surgery but my hair is so thick I don't want to loose it, is right in it's wheelhouse. This scared the hell out of me. I'm so used to being able to think through most any situation and look at it logically but now there is something that has the power to make my brain say, No I won't think about that try this instead. That is the part I don't think I could take. This poor kid has no real family, they are there but not the kind of people you can count on. He is being forced to face his own mortality. But what keeps going through my mind is, what happens when he isn't worried about his hair anymore? What is the next thing his mind can cling to? I'm not seeing a whole lot of other innocuous things it can find in the situation.

Sorry to be so bleak.

Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic. ~Norman Cousins

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

2009-06-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

OK, so I've been really wanting to get back to posting on this Blog and I thought the easiest way to find a topic is to take something someone else has said and expound on it (for those that don't know I'm kind of a sucker for quotes and that makes this easier).

I find it interesting how we acquire the people in our lives that make us happy. I say we but, of course, I really mean me. I think it's funny how round about it is. My own personal group of "charming gardeners" thinking back were all basically accidental meetings or met through acquaintances or (most interesting of all) people I had missed meeting earlier in life but was only a degree away. I have a friend that is the cousin of one of my friends when I was in junior high and high school but we had never met back then. I have another friend who is the sister of someone I knew from 3rd grade all the way through graduation. While I can't still count the initial relationships as friends, too many years have gone by for that, it has lead me to some of my favorite people.

But it's not just the initial meeting that has me fascinated it's how your whole perception of people can change through the course of time. For the better or worse. It's interesting you can be really tight with someone and after a little time you just can't be around them anymore. I'm hardly friends with anyone I knew while I was in school anymore, although thanks to the wonder of facebook I've reconnected with some really good people from back in the day. But it can work the other way too. People that you're not close with to start off with can turn out to be some of the most important people in your life, sometimes more so than you would have expected.

I know this post is kind of meandering and doesn't fully complete any thoughts but this was really more to get me back in the swing of writing and less about quality of content ;)

All this to say that at this point in my life my soul is lush and growing greener and more full every day. I am so grateful for those of you who cultivate it. I hope you know who you are (if not ask I'll let you know) I have people in my life that I can't imagine not being there and hopefully they always will be. I love you guys.

DARK WAS THE NIGHT

2009-02-17T23:56:00.001-08:00

So there I was going through my nightly internet routine...Check email, Check Facebook, Very quick check on the hardly ever used Myspace (just to check for messages), then on to the blogs. I've got 7 that I check every night and a handful of others that I check a couple times a month. So it should go without saying, if you write it I'm going to read it. So anyways I was making my way through, when I got to my dear sweet eldest sisters' school blog. And very much to my surprise I got a mention. She said she wrote because she saw on my blog that it had been 5 weeks since her last post. Then I got to looking and realized it had been the same amount of time since I had posted. So feeling shamed that my very busy (finishing her Doctorate while teaching classes and chasing after an almost 2 year old) and very tired (did I mention she just had a baby day after Christmas and hasn't slept much since?) found time to post on a blog she's not even sure people are reading (I am), I decided it was time to for me to post also...but what to write?

So I got to thinking about what's going on right now and I came up with something I'm pretty excited about. I love music; the platform for expression, the power to move peoples' souls, whatever it is it stirs up a part of me nothing else can. I really enjoy finding new bands and discovering new sounds. It just so happens that a bunch of bands that I've found in the last couple of years got together and put out a compilation called "Dark Was The Night." Now, every once in a while something happens that can really lighten your heart, something you love can actually make a difference. Now I would have bought this Cd set anyway but it comes with the added bonus that it's a benefit Cd.

Dark Was the Night is two-disc CD, featuring 31 tracks that have been exclusively recorded for the compilation. That's cool in and of itself, but what's even better is that sales from the album will benefit the Red Hot Organization - an international charity dedicated to raising funds and awareness for HIV and AIDS. Check out Red Hot's link and see that they really are a worthy cause, to date they have donated nearly 7 million dollars to AIDS relief around the world. Everyone wins here you get great music and someone somewhere just might get to live. I bought my copy at Amazon.com but I'm pretty sure it's also available on iTunes

DARK WAS THE NIGHT

THIS DISC

1 Knotty Pine – Dirty Projectors + David Byrne
2 Cello Song (Nick Drake) – The Books featuring Jose Gonzalez
3 Train Song (Vashti Bunyan recorded, written by Alasdair Clayre) – Feist + Ben Gibbard
4 Brackett, WI – Bon Iver
5 Deep Blue Sea – Grizzly Bear
6 So Far Around the Bend – The National (arrangement by Nico Muhly)
7 Tightrope – Yeasayer
8 Feeling Good (popularized by Nina Simone) – My Brightest Diamond
9 Dark Was the Night (Blind Willie Johnson) – Kronos Quartet
10 I Was Young When I Left Home (Bob Dylan) – Antony + Bryce Dessner
11 Big Red Machine – Justin Vernon + Aaron Dessner
12 Sleepless – The Decemberists
13 Stolen Houses (Die) – Iron and Wine
14 Service Bell – Grizzly Bear + Feist
15 You Are The Blood – Sufjan Stevens

THAT DISC

1 Well-Alright – Spoon
2 Lenin – Arcade Fire
3 Mimizan – Beirut
4 El Caporal – My Morning Jacket
5 Inspiration Information (Shuggie Otis) – Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
6 With A Girl Like You (The Troggs) – Dave Sitek
7 Blood Pt 2 (based on original song “You are the Blood” by the Castanets) – Buck 65 Remix (featuring Sufjan Stevens and Serengeti)
8 Hey, Snow White (Destroyer) – The New Pornographers
9 Gentle Hour (Snapper) – Yo La Tengo
10 Another Saturday (traditional song) – Stuart Murdoch
11 Happiness – Riceboy Sleeps
12 Amazing Grace (traditional song) – Cat Power and Dirty Delta Blues
13 The Giant Of Illinois (Handsome Family) – Andrew Bird
14 Lua – Conor Oberst + Gillian Welch
15 When the Road Runs Out – Blonde Redhead + Devastations
16 Love vs. Porn – Kevin Drew

31 tracks on 2 Cd's cost me something like $12. It's amazing that something so inexpensive can make such a big difference!

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. ~Anne Frank

Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable. ~Theodore N. Vail

2009-01-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

This post is going to be a pretty ambiguous and for that I apologize in advance. If it pans out I'll fill you all in on the details later, I just needed to release a little pent up worry. This isn't meant to frighten anyone, so don't jump to any conclusions. I'm OK.

For quite a while now I've suspected there might be something...wrong. Maybe wrong is too strong, Let's go with; off, askew, amiss, distorted or maybe just strange. I think I've even figured out what it is. I have to do a little more research but what I've found so far seems to fit. I have to talk to somebody and see what they think or have experienced. I know the logical thing is to talk to an expert but that really scares me. It's not really real if the people with the fancy degrees don't tell you about it...you know what I mean? I don't think it's paranoia but at this point I can still tell myself that it is. But the thing is...I don't know how to fix it. The worst part is, the one thing I hate most is surrendering control. Well, that and admitting weakness. Those are pretty much obstacles I'm going to have to overcome if I'm going to move forward with this. The interesting thing is, by trying to chase it down for myself I feel oddly empowered. At this point it kind of feels like a pretty good mystery novel. Hunting down clues, reading between the lines making deductions. If it wasn't about me and wasn't a little scary it could be a fun little exercise.

I want to end this on a happy note. So until next time remember...

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson

We wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment.

2008-12-15T23:18:00.000-08:00

So after all my plans and dreams of going to see The Family Shears at some point in the upcoming year (I told Sarah spring but I meant hopefully by June) all it took was a trip to see Jason to make it all spring into reality with frightening alacrity. Jason had scheduled his trip for mid-March and when I told him my thoughts on when I would go he told me I should look in March too because the prices are so much lower. Now, I had a certain amount in mind that I was willing to spend for tickets and that was pretty much what I would have paid for a round trip ticket to London in May. When I checked the tickets for March I was amazed to find out that they were literally half that price. So I instantly decided to move up my trip. But the thing is It got into my head that since the tickets were so much cheaper I might expand my itinerary. So I checked out what it would cost to add a stop in Richmond on the way home. To my great delight it still came in under what the May ticket would have been (though not by a lot). So in the end I didn't end up saving any money but I get to see my Sister and Brother-in-law my amazing almost two year old (when I get there) niece and I will get to meet my brand new 3-4 month old niece for the very first time. I think it was truly divine provenance and that this is what I was intended to do all along. Because this thing went through so smoothly despite my famous reluctance to change once I have an idea set in my head. So today I went in and got my little (2"x2" to be exact) photo taken and went down to my friendly neighborhood post office and put in the paperwork for my passport. So I will be, God willing, leaving 6:00am March 15 and I will be in an airplane or an airport until 6:20am London time March 16. That's a heck of a way to spend my birthday, huh? But then I will be in London until the following Sunday. Jason will be joining us there on Wednesday so we will get to kick around London together! Now there are a few spots I think are a must see (I'm actually most interested in seeing the Tate Modern Museum) but if you are reading this and have thoughts of what I should try to fit in while there I am open for suggestions. So a week in London and then I fly to Richmond and spend a week with my family there. If your keeping track a few things I want to see there; There is a great little music store down in Carytown called Plan 9 Records that I have to go back to, plus there is this island that is accessible by foot bridge that I would like to check out and I think I would like to see the campus while I'm there...again, anything else I should see I'm up for suggestions. Also while I'm there I might try to make a little time to hang out with my girls :) So as of right now the only thing holding me up is waiting on my passport. So if the government cooperates, 3 months from today I will be in the air! I am very, very excited and more than a little nervous. I've had butterflies in my stomach since I booked the tickets!

"Think like a man of action. Act like a man of thought."

2008-12-10T22:53:00.000-08:00

One of my great joys is discovering quotes. I find great power in the words of people that have gone before me. I truly enjoy reading and thinking over things said by intelligent people. I sometimes sit at my computer for hours just searching quote sites. It was during one of these oratorical spelunking expeditions that I discovered my titular quote. It was given to me by Henri Louis Bergson. I say the French philosopher gave this quote to me because in all the time I've been looking, no quote has ever meant so much to me as quickly as this one has. So I can only deduce that it was meant specifically for me. In short, this is the man I aspire to be. For me it's the first part that I have had the most difficulty with up to this point in my life. My ideals have been fairly passive, accepting the things that come my way as being the things that were meant for me. Instead of actively making choices to improve myself and my lot in life. I have learned that you must have a plan and not be afraid to takes steps towards it's completion. The turning point for me (and this is still a work in progress) was finally believing that I deserve to be happy and should have a real life. But I love the balance this quote offers! I think peoples actions should be well thought out. It should be evident by the way you live that you have the ability to reason. The people I respect most are intelligent, thoughtful people who are proactive about their lives. I intend to count myself in that number. This is a goal I've given myself.

The Hardest Thing

2008-12-04T18:43:00.000-08:00

So, as I'm coming to realize about myself, the worst feeling for me is helplessness. It really hits me hard when I am unable to help someone in need or have to stand idly by when someone is in pain. This is something that I've known for a while now but it was brought to the foreground of my mind today. You see, my friend Matt is a diabetic. He leads as close to a normal life as he can, but in doing so he sometimes isn't able to keep is sugar in check. Today it hit him hard. Today Matt passed out and started convulsing in a diabetes induced seizure. When the paramedics showed up and were able to get him somewhat stabilized but he didn't know where he was or what day it was. They decided that he wasn't rebounding as quickly as they would like him to so they took him in the ambulance to the hospital to fix him up. The whole time I couldn't do anything but stand there and try to stay out of the way. It has been a long time since I have felt that helpless. It scared me very badly, not only what was happening but the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. Matt is a strong kid and he will come back from this better than ever. But I'm still pretty shaken.

A Shift In My Family Paradigm

2008-11-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

With the start of another holiday season I've been thinking a lot about the concept of family. I'm starting to fall out of line with the whole blood is thicker than water dogma. From the time we are born we are force fed the idea that we have to connect with people based solely on the fact that some of the same blood flows through their veins...no matter how minimal that flow may be. I'm sure historically this school of thought had it's merit; Hunter Gatherer family groups working as a cohesive unit are able to hunt larger prey, Pre-Industrial Revolution families working the same plot of land to increase the yield, Early Western settlers circling the wagons with family groups to ward of attack from the unknown...all of these things made life easier. I'm of the opinion that this mode of thinking is archaic and unnecessary in the modern world. With the world getting smaller with every passing year and fear of the scary unknown people being replaced by multi-cultural awareness, I think the old school family can be laid to rest and give way to a modern variation. To me a family should be the people you love most and want to be with, by choice not chance. I choose to spend my time and affection on people I feel comfortable with on an intellectual, spiritual or emotional level. I include in this number quite a few more of my friends and quite a few less of my biological extended relations. I have been quite blessed actually, because my immediate family is quite extraordinary. I sit in awe of both of my sisters who are both pretty amazing people. Both of whom are very intelligent and excel in their chosen fields. With the two of them I add to my group a Professor and a Sign Language Interpreter. One teaches the next generation to appreciate the value of language and the other brings language to those who know only too well what it's like to be without it. Those of you who know me best know how much I value words, and as such I find these both very noble callings. These two have brought me two others, their husbands. Two men that I am only too proud to call my brothers. Men that try to live lives of integrity and walk the path that the Lord as set before them while helping those around them as they go. In them I see perseverance and and a giving nature that I find truly inspirational. I have a Mother that has the most caring heart of any person I have ever known. I have never heard a bad word uttered against her and when people I meet ask me if I'm her son it is with pride in my heart that I say I am. Now to my Father, it may seem, to some, hard to find a place for him in my new definition of family but I disagree. My Dad is a pretty smart cat and I'm quite sure he is where I get my uncanny ability to memorize (mostly) useless facts. Sometimes he's hard to get along with but it's his genes that have made some darn intelligent kids ;) Then there is my Nieces and soon to be Nephew, all I can say is there is nothing but love in my heart for these kids and no family of mine would be complete without them. With my current additions I have added to the fold a Social Worker, an I.T. guy, A Web Designer, A Mental Health Professional, an Art History student getting her Masters Degree, a Recreational Therapist, a Fireman (Fireperson?) and a Park Ranger...to name a few. I'm not saying that the people in my more "traditional" family are bad people because they aren't. They just aren't all people I would choose to spend very much time with. I don't know if this outlook makes me come across as cold or snobbish, but it is something I believe. I think life is too short not to spend it with the people you truly love just because society says you're supposed to love a different group.

Starting out...seeing what happens.

2008-11-26T22:39:00.000-08:00

So...I've never tried to do anything like this before. Every time I've blogged before it turns into my opinions on books or movies or some trivial thing. I'm not saying you will never find that here but this Blog has a different purpose. A glimpse into my actual thoughts. You see, I don't like people to know too much about me. I have to have my barriers, I compartmentalize, I keep people in the dark. The depths of my mind can be a scary place and is not for the faint of heart. But the thing is, I'm beginning to realize that once I finally let someone inside they might actually be OK with what they find there. As cold and isolated and unflinchingly morose as that terrain can be it does have a flip side. I've figured out that I have a real heart for people and a desire to help. A side that has been nurtured and grown by a group of amazing people that I, for reasons I'm not exactly sure of, allowed into my mind. A select group of very close friends that know so much about me it scares me...a lot. I'm able to share my ideals and opinions with these people and as I'm laid out bare and vulnerable a funny thing happens, every single time. They don't deride me or make me feel as though my opinions or ideals are something less than theirs. They listen to me and share their thoughts and we have some unbelievably deep conversations about truly world changing things. These are smart people who know me and actually value me. I know these are things that most people find much earlier in life than I have. But I always had up my precious walls, but those things I used to protect myself blocked out much more than I had ever intended. As I'm coming to discover, things in my life only get better if I let people in. So this is kind of an experiment, just to see what happens when I actually tell people what I'm thinking about.

So anyways this whole rambling discourse was only meant to be an introduction. If it's any indication of how it's going to be it might all just be stream of consciousness salinger-esque crap. If I haven't already scared you off, check in once in a while and see what's going on. You never know what kind of random stuff might come out of my mouth...er...fingers.